The Taming Of The Hue

Being pigmently challenged is not fun. I understand that Nicole Kidman enjoys rocking out her fair skin but she is also lacking any physical flaw so I don’t think her vote counts with regards to taming of the hue. Summer is right around the corner causing two things haunt my mind, putting on a bathing suit and bumble bees (that’s a whole other story). I have found that if my skin is tan it hides some of mother nature’s cruel jokes, namely cellulite, so each spring I find myself going to the tanning salon in order to achieve a less pasty hue. Anyone who has been in a traditional tanning bed knows that there are certain areas on the body that somehow avoid the synthetic sun rays and must be evened out by utilizing a stand up tanning bed which is where my tragic tale begins.

It was a balmy Wednesday evening when I strolled into the tanning salon. I was finally bronzed enough to notice that the tips of my shoulder blades, under arms and bum required evening out with the use of a stand up bed. I told the person behind the counter what I required and he sent me on my merry way to bed number twelve. I shrugged off my clothes, put on my tanning goggles (safety first) and shuffled blindly into the large stand up bed. Once I sealed myself securely in the UV pod I hit the start button and basked in the retina burning light. The timer indicated that I was going to be cooking for a total of eight minutes which was fine since I had been laying in the traditional beds for fourteen minutes. As I gripped the bars near the top of the bed I tapped my feet and bobbed my head to the music that was playing to pass the time and soon the timer beeped and my UV pod shut off. I quickly dressed and raced home in anticipation to check out my evenly tanned back, arms and bum. As I sped home I noticed that I felt warmer than I usually do after a visit to the tanning salon but chalked it up to the fact that I did attempt to do the Cuban Shuffle in the tanning bed (side note: avoid doing the Cuban Shuffle in any type of tanning mechanism) and had expended a lot of energy. When I arrived home I flew into the bathroom stripping off clothes along the way to check out my new svelte tan. My back was slightly red but looked very even and the renowned “smiley faces” were already much less noticeable but then I noted the redness of my arms, specifically my arm pits which were radiating enough heat to pop a bag of popcorn. I gently poked at my left armpit and winced as the overcooked flesh stung in response. The redness increased as the hours passed causing me to avoid any article of clothing with a sleeve and any activity involving the movement of my arms. For two days I suffered with the pain of burned armpits and the embarrassment of walking around like a body builder to avoid any additional friction. What’s the moral of this story? Be wise when attempting the taming of the hue.

Survival Of The Fittest!

So this little number was found on Best of Craigslist and it is hilariouso! I posted the link below the article so you can share this little gem with your friends.

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tpa/409930561.html

Reassessing You Career? Let Me Help!

Are you tired of your job? Do you feel over worked and under appreciated? Do you want a challenging career that requires both creativity and a complete set of rabies shots? Well perhaps you should consider a career in cat grooming. I know what you’re thinking—“But Abby, I have allergies.” or “Abby, I dislike having my flesh clawed off.” Only 3 deaths have ever been linked to the cat grooming profession but there has been a mauling or two every now and again. I have I have listed a link below for a world renowned grooming university. If you are asking yourself, “But how can I afford to attend such a prestigious educational establishment?” they do have a variety of financing options including student loans. I hope that I have opened new career doors for you all today!

http://www.classypetgroomingschool.com/

Cracking The Code

When a man says: So, what do you do?

He really means: You’re the hottest chick in the bar and I am trying to grab your attention before the guy with the Porsche does.

When a man says: Can I buy you a drink?

He really means: I want to make you feel obligated to remain in my company.

When a man says: Do you work out?

He really means: If I get too flirtatious, can you cause me bodily harm?

When a man says: Can I get your number?

He really means: I want to send you drunk text messages.

All Signs Point To No

This little pièce de résistance is all about the signs, specifically which ones to avoid. It’s one of a three piece series that will hopefully provide you a zodiac GPS.


TAURUS AND SCORPIO

These two are opposites in the zodiac, but they have more in common than other opposites. Both are determined and ambitious, and neither is much of a rover. However, there are two strong wills at work here. Taurus's passionate sexual nature meets more than its match in Scorpio-in fact, the sexual element in this affair borders on the obsessive. But Scorpio's overbearing, possessive, jealous nature makes Taurus simmer with resentment. This is a tempestuous affair, and neither has the tolerance to make the union last.

Translation: Hot Sex + Restraining Order = A Taurus and Scorpio Relationship.


GEMINI AND SAGITTARIUS

These two are opposites in the zodiac and are attracted to each other like magnets. They'll especially enjoy each other's minds for both have wide-ranging and varied interests. Sagittarius tends to be more intellectual, Gemini more social. Both are too restless and argumentative, and both need freedom. They may be disappointed sexually, since neither is demonstrative-and Gemini is very quick to criticize. This affair probably began impulsively and will end the same way.

Translation: When paired, you will be known as the “Tour De Force” couple at the cocktail party but a “Tour De Farce” in the bedroom. Save yourself the awkward “Don’t worry, it happens to everybody” speech and just keep things platonic.

CANCER AND GEMINI

Gemini's sparkle immediately intrigues Cancer, but Cancer won't find security with fickle, fly-by-night Gemini. Basically, Cancer's nature is emotional and Gemini's is cerebral, and that makes it difficult for them to understand each other. Although sexual energies are well matched, Cancer will have a hard time adjusting to Gemini's playful, nonchalant attitude toward love. Possessive Cancer will try to keep Gemini hemmed in, and Gemini can't abide that. It's a short countdown to the finish.

Translation: Cancer, no matter how many times you tell yourself that a booty call is all you want, you secretly know that it’s not true so why set yourself up for failure?


LEO AND VIRGO

Leo is drawn to Virgo's intellectualism, but Virgo doesn't understand Leo's dramatic nature. Leo can't get from cool, reserved Virgo the sexual responsiveness it demands. Virgo is practical and prudent; Leo is extravagant and a spendthrift. Leo likes to live life in a really big way, but Virgo is conservative, frugal and a nit-picker--which puts a damper on Leo's high spirits. Virgo won't be dominated either. Leo needs lots of flattery, but Virgo's tendency is to puncture inflated egos. Both of them should look elsewhere.

Translation: This pairing is the equivalence to a 50 yr old man dating a woman that’s the same age as his daughter. No matter how you spin it, it just doesn’t work out.


VIRGO AND SAGITTARIUS

These two are like the grasshopper and the ant. Sagittarius's free spirit has nothing in common with hardworking Virgo. Sagittarius has a reckless gambler's spirit, while Virgo carefully builds for future security. Both are intellectual signs but the way their minds work clashes with each other. Sagittarius is expansive and extravagant, while Virgo prefers a simple, ordered, and unpretentious life. Sagittarius considers Virgo's sexual attitudes rather prudish, and won't stay long in one bedroom anyway.

Translation: Sagittarius enjoys counting cards at the poker table for an income while Virgo prefers to counting on annuities. These two signs do not add up to love.

CRAP Syndrome

This message is brought to you by your in-house physician Dr. Abby Normal. There is a serious affliction plaguing the work places across America that requires your immediate attention! CRAP Syndrome (Continual Redundancy And Placation) has mainly been spotted in the work places where a set routine is part of the job description. Symptoms of CRAP are as follows: Headaches, nausea, reevaluation of career choices, attempted self termination with an empty toner cartridge, and finally catatonia. If left untreated, CRAP can spread into the afflicted's weekends causing them continual suffering and discomfort. Treatment for CRAP Syndrome is as follows: Vacate the premise where CRAP Syndrome harbors and meet at a watering hole where you can enjoy a cocktail and laughter with fellow co-workers who do not inflame the symptoms of CRAP Syndrome.

Regards,

Dr. Abby Normal

5 Key Indicators That You Love Your Job

1. Management confiscates all pens, pencils and any other writing object that can possibly be used as a weapon and replaces them with crayons.
   
2. You find yourself leaning towards the closest source of natural light like a sun deprived plant.
   
3. Your morning coffee is the ONLY thing that keeps you from telling your coworkers what you really think about them.
   
4. You tap your feet to the beat of nearby keyboard rapping, copy machine thumping and the sound of the air conditioning unit as it kicks on and off.
   
5. You feel like you are trapped in the Discovery Channel show, Meerkat Manner, with your coworkers heads popping up over their cubicles like prairie dogs.

The Midwesterners' Guide To Charleston Relocation

Top 10 things every Midwesterner needs to know before moving to Charleston:

Road signs are optional, not required.

Phantom braking, leaving the turn signal on, and going 15 mph under the speed limit in the left lane is considered “Southern Hospitality”.

They utilize pleasant names for unpleasant things. Such as Palmetto Bugs and Debutant Balls.

It is socially acceptable for men to wear pastel pink, polka dot bow ties, croakies, Sperry’s (AKA Boat shoes for the non-acclimated readers) and to pop their collars.

If an accident occurs on the side of the road/bridge, it is a customary courtesy for the driver on the opposite side of the road to cease driving in order to block traffic on both sides of the road to keep the status quo.

Instead of marking liquor stores with the ambiguous words “Liquor or Party” they are clearly marked with a procession of 3 dots with the easily equated words of “Package Store”.

“Gone with the Wind” is considered a cult classic.

Their enchanting native dance is called “The Shag”.

Pearls are not just an accessory; they are a right of passage.

Most of the male populace is comprised of Seamen, Jar Heads and Knobs.

Ode To The Frozen Lunch Meal

Dear frozen delicacy how you brighten my day. You are always the economical meal ticket when my finances are in a slump. The way your contents never look as appealing as the photo on your package makes me want to scream out false advertising yet I remember that you were a 4 for $5 bargain. No matter how long I watch you spin joyously in the microwave I can always count on biting into a frozen piece of broccoli or enriched macaroni product. You offer a healthy dose of daily vitamins and nutrients, namely the 200% sodium serving that is causing my post lunch cotton mouth that I look so forward to each day. You should be recognized as the 8th wonder of the world based solely on the fact that given the proper storage you could survive for over 4,000 years and still be as tasty as you were today.

Your Faithful Consumer,

Dawn

Hangover Recipes

Hangovers have been a practiced recipe for generations and there are several different ingredients and preparation strategies that can be used. The most common hangover recipes originate from three areas: Europe, United States and Mexico.


European Hangover

3 parts red wine
4 parts white wine
2 parts beer

Combine 2 parts white wine followed by 1 part beer. It is important that neither food nor water are added to this recipe. Once the first set of ingredients are blended add 2 parts red wine immediately quickly followed with 1 part beer. Once the ingredients are fully blended make note to not disturb them with rapid movement. Complete recipe by combining the remaining 2 parts white wine and 1 part red wine.

*Recipe Time can take up to an hour to begin processing but once processing begins monitor closely to ensure undesirable outcome.

If the recipe is followed properly your Hangover should be painful to the head and cause sensitivity to sunlight.

US Hangover

4 Parts Jager Bomb
2 Parts Soco and Lime
2 Parts Red Headed Slut
1 Part Miller Lite

Combine 1 part Jager Bomb, 1 Part Soco and Lime and 2 Parts Red Headed Slut. Mix well and do not let the ingredients settle. Add 2 parts Jager Bomb and 1 Part Miller Lite. Be sure to not add last 2 ingredients too quickly in order to prevent an excess of bubbles. Add the last Jager Bomb.

*Recipe time is very rapid and may not be suitable for someone who is making their first Hangover.

If the recipe is followed properly your Hangover should be painful to the head, dizzying, dry mouth accompanied by a foul odor and inability to tolerate the sight or smell of food.


Mexican Hangover

5 Parts Tequila

Combine all ingredients

*Recipe time varies.

If the recipe is followed properly your Hangover should be vomiting and praying.