Office Life 101

Office Life 101

Since you will be sitting in a cubicle for 8 hours a day, management will bring in sugary confections to ensure that by the end of the day you will be physically unable to get out of your chair thus improving productivity.

You will be required to have an ergonomic keyboard and chair to ensure that the pain caused by the carpal tunnel you receive from being overly efficient (due to the sugary confections that you have eaten) will be delayed until after you return home.

Just like when you were a child and important messages were relayed to you in the form of a cartoon management shall follow the same cognitive model with your training video. Please enjoy “Stan, The Working Safely Man.” video.

Management will give you an official job title and responsibilities. These responsibilities are more of a guideline and may change without notice, often multiplying.

Management advocates for a healthy work/life balance because legally they have to.

You will notice that there are very few windows and despite popular belief this is not because management prefers to make our employees feel like prisoners by depriving them of natural sunlight and stimuli. We just simply do not want to invest in Windex.

You will have three different managers at all times. They are there to provide you with tasks to complete that they either cannot figure out themselves or simply do not want to do. Yes, they make much more money than you.

You are allotted a one hour lunch break but management suggests that you enjoy your one hour lunch break at your desk. Eating + Working = Multitasking Fun

Random drug screenings will be held. Management screens for the following drugs: Hope and Common Sense

We hope that your introduction into Office Life 101 has been insightful. For our next session we will watch a video titled “Who Moved My Cheese?” followed by its sequel “Who Stole My Soul?”.