Oh E-harmony....

This is an article that E-harmony published. My interpretations are in parentheses.

What Draws Women To Bad Boys
You might not see it yet, but women often unconsciously feel that magical emotion called ATTRACTION (or inebriation) for men who have the behavior and traits of a “bad boy.” Of course, I don't believe that men have to be jerks to make women feel attraction with them (But a playful open handed slap every now and again helps). The truth is “bad boys” often create inviting and intoxicating forms of drama (But mainly intoxicating) - often perceived as playfulness and fun. And it’s often the inherent UNPREDICTABLE nature of a “bad boy” (Oooh, is he going to take me back to his trailer park tonight?) that becomes so fascinating and addicting to want to be around.
Women have a deep attraction mechanism that's triggered by men who behave indifferently (ignorantly), have high status (yet aren’t too proud to shop at Walmart), know lots of women (who have restraining orders against him), and the list of “bad” behavior goes on (i.e. been a guest on cops or Jerry Springer). You probably know from experience that the chemistry and connection with a “bad boy” can be incredibly thrilling (just like in the movie Cape Fear), even if you’re miserable when it comes to a relationship (I mean how can you expect a man to commit that live in a vehicle with wheels?).

Office Life 101

Office Life 101

Since you will be sitting in a cubicle for 8 hours a day, management will bring in sugary confections to ensure that by the end of the day you will be physically unable to get out of your chair thus improving productivity.

You will be required to have an ergonomic keyboard and chair to ensure that the pain caused by the carpal tunnel you receive from being overly efficient (due to the sugary confections that you have eaten) will be delayed until after you return home.

Just like when you were a child and important messages were relayed to you in the form of a cartoon management shall follow the same cognitive model with your training video. Please enjoy “Stan, The Working Safely Man.” video.

Management will give you an official job title and responsibilities. These responsibilities are more of a guideline and may change without notice, often multiplying.

Management advocates for a healthy work/life balance because legally they have to.

You will notice that there are very few windows and despite popular belief this is not because management prefers to make our employees feel like prisoners by depriving them of natural sunlight and stimuli. We just simply do not want to invest in Windex.

You will have three different managers at all times. They are there to provide you with tasks to complete that they either cannot figure out themselves or simply do not want to do. Yes, they make much more money than you.

You are allotted a one hour lunch break but management suggests that you enjoy your one hour lunch break at your desk. Eating + Working = Multitasking Fun

Random drug screenings will be held. Management screens for the following drugs: Hope and Common Sense

We hope that your introduction into Office Life 101 has been insightful. For our next session we will watch a video titled “Who Moved My Cheese?” followed by its sequel “Who Stole My Soul?”.

Taking Pride In Your Work

Taking Pride In Your Work

These are the things that make all of our days a little brighter:

When the Walmart cashier doesn’t let you know that you have one last bag (usually filled with the most important items) left on that stupid Merry-Go-Round.

When the drive thru attendant doesn’t take the time to make sure that you have a straw in your extra value meal.

When the dental hygienist blasts your teeth with water, causing it to ricochet off your teeth and onto your face then let’s the backwash trickle down your cheek without attempting to wipe it off.

When you watch the woman giving you a pedicure turn to a coworker say something in a foreign language and have them both look at you and laugh.

When you have been on hold for 20 minutes waiting for a customer service representative to come on the line only to have them try to transfer you and disconnect the call.

Monster Mash

This is dedicated to Scooter.

Monster Mash

We have all seen movies with various monsters in them terrorizing the world, or at the very least fake blondes wearing high heels who can’t seem to run in them to save their lives. It has been speculated that horror movies were originally created to scare teens from underage drinking and sex but I think that the actual monsters in these films portray various types of relationships.

Dracula: Have you ever dated a man that was dark and mysterious? Did you look into his eyes and feel compelled to say yes to his every request? Did he leave you feeling drained at the end of the night? If yes, you have been ensnared by the Dracula. Common traits of the Dracula male are as follows: Brooding eyes, confident swagger, night owl, strong silent type, demanding and may possibly have a sexy accent. What should you do in the event that you meet a Dracula? Tell him that you only do lunch dates at first, this will dissuade him from ensnaring you into his web of seduction.

Werewolf: Surprisingly enough the werewolf is one of the most common man-monsters roaming amongst us. They are the guys who charm women with unwavering loyalty and respect and then out of the blue they transform into a snarling monster without warning. Common traits of the Werewolf are as follows: Keen sense of smell, the urge to chase after cars, rabies shot records. So what is to be done if you suspect that this man isn’t pedigree worthy? Tell him that you would like to cook him dinner so that he can meet your eleven cats. That should send his tail between his legs.

Mummy: The mummy is the classic monster. He is needy, clingy and will often fall apart on you without warning. These guys were coddled growing up and are mommas’ boys to their dying day. They can’t efficiently survive on their own and rely on you to take care of their every need. Common traits of the Mummy are: Tiny living quarters (the less space they have the less they have to clean), repetitive moaning and groaning at every request you make, poor communication skills, musty odor and poor personal style. What is the best way to dodge this dirt bag? Tell him that you live on a house boat with a few leaks that need to be fixed and right before your eyes he will be fixing to make his escape.

The Friday Effect

Friday is always a great day. Sure, you will be doing the same tedious tasks that you were doing the four days prior to Friday but today they’re different because after they are done you don’t have to think about redoing them for two whole days!! Friday is the day when you can almost convince your coworkers that you give a shit about their mundane lives or their self induced stresses because you are able to smile at them knowing that you won’t have to recall their existence for two whole days! The redundant meeting at 8:00 am would normally drive you up the wall but on Friday you just quietly sip your coffee and plan your weekend activities. When the cafeteria charges you $6.57 for a grilled cheese sandwich that’s charred black on one side, you decide to not grumble under your breath because you know that since it’s Friday your charred bread will taste heavenly. Even when your boss walks into your cube while you are dining on charred bread to inform you that your workload has tripled, you just smile and nod because it’s Friday and you won’t have to do both your job and his job for two days.

Wish List

I wish that....


OBGYN offices had two separate waiting rooms; One for pregnant women and one for women wanting to avoid pregnancy.

Drinking fountains’ water pressure didn’t fluctuate with the flushing of toilets.

Gyms had skinny mirrors.

Dentist offices had magazines other than Highlight.

Hospital gowns came with instructions.

Chopsticks came with a handle.

Motion censored paper towel dispensers were actually triggered by motion.

80’s style clothing would disappear for good.

Fortune cookies actually dispensed fortunes and not rhetoric.

100 Calorie packs of anything be labeled “Unfulfilling Tease”.

Tale of a Ninja Cat

I am known only as Ninja Cat. My long, sleek, black fur makes no sound as I leap from my training compound (which mom keeps calling a carpeted kitty castle) onto your lap. I am able to hide in every corner and wait patiently under any bed for the perfect moment to swat at your feet as you walk by. I come from a long line of Felis Ninjacus which means I was genetically ordained to be a stealthy killing machine. In order to heighten and hone my lethal skills I must train often, never letting myself become a complacent domestic cat. This morning I set my internal alarm for 3:00 am in order to complete a training session. I silently crept over mom as she slept and while sliding off the end of the bed I contemplated which training exercise I should complete. I performed a quick perimeter check to see if there were any rogue spiders that needed to be swatted into submission but there were none to be had so I then decided to exercise my agility skills another way. I stared at the raised corner of the bed, taking note of its height and distance to where I motionlessly crouched. I flicked one long whisker out in order to gauge the wind speed so that I could tabulate the required speed and velocity of my calculated move. With a flick of my tail and a shimmy of my ass I bounded for the corner of the bed with the speed and determination of a freight train. My back legs effortlessly lifted my body airborne and as I approached the landing zone I extended my front paws out to catch the corner of the bed where I would then use my ginsu-like claws to stick to the side of the bed like Velcro. As the plush fabric of the bed fell between my paws I smiled victoriously knowing that this training session would be a success! I sunk my claws mercilessly into the fabric only to realize that I wasn’t maintaining my hold, I was slipping off the bed! In a panic I began digging my way back up the side of the bed, tearing into any fabric that was careless enough to get in my way. The sounds of my panicked thrashing and cloth shredding must have woken my mom, who snatched me from the clutches of gravity and held me up to her bewildered face. Even though adrenaline from the near twelve inch fall was still pumping through my veins I could tell that mom was even more upset as she stared wide eyed at me, then at the shredded sheets, then back to me. I didn’t want her to worry about me any longer so I quickly licked her nose, wiggled from her grasp and hopped off the bed over to my box of toys. Being that it was still dark outside and mom doesn’t have Ninja vision I found a toy that makes ample noise and swatted it about so that she would think I was unscathed by my near death incident. As I mindlessly swatted at the loud toy I stared at the shredded corner of the bed and vowed that I would train day and night until I was able to stick the landing. It’s not easy being a Ninja Cat…

Corporate Zombies

As I pulled into my company’s parking lot this morning I was running late as usual. I frantically stuffed my keys into my purse and turned my cell phone to silent as I briskly marched towards the front entrance of the office building all the while silently cursing the fact that I was not independently wealthy. As I approached the front entrance I barely regarded all the other employees that were making their way to the door until an entertaining thought crossed my warped mind. They looked like zombies! Walking in a slow uncoordinated mass they made their way towards the front doors. I watched as they filed into the building and went to their prospective cubicles and wondered if this zombie behavior was caused by a caffeine deficiency or if there was more to it. As I settled into my ergonomic office chair I listened to the sound of fingers tapping on keyboards, printers spitting out paper and the shrill sound of the fax machine as my coworkers began their day and decided to observe their behavior closely to determine if in fact zombies were amongst us. After careful observation here are my findings:

Zombie-Like Characteristics Exhibited During My Observation
Dulled Brain Capacity
Slow/Rigid Motor Skills
Speak In Grunts Or Moans
Travel In Groups
Pungent Odor

After completing intensive research on the cause of zombie behavior and the similar behavior exhibited by my coworkers I have discovered that those exhibiting the above characteristics are not the traditional zombie, instead they are a hybrid known as Corporationus Zombius or in laymen terms Corporate Zombie. Both zombie classes share many characteristics but the motivating factors behind those shared characteristics are much different. Listed below is a comparison between characteristics and causes for both the traditional zombie and the corporate zombie.

Traditional Zombie

Symptom: Dulled Brain Capacity

Cause: Brain decomposition

Symptom: Slow/Rigid Motor Skills
Cause: Rigor Mortis

Symptom: Speak In Grunts Or Moans
Cause: Dulled Brain Capacity

Symptom: Travel In Groups

Cause: Hunting tactic used due to slow movement

Symptom: Pungent Odor

Cause: Rigor Mortis

Corporate Zombie

Symptom: Dulled Brain Capacity
Cause: Repetition of mindless tasks for a long time period

Symptom: Slow/Rigid Motor Skills

Cause: Confined to small working space/ limited movement

Symptom: Speak In Grunts Or Moans

Cause: The constant utilization of pointless acronyms

Symptom: Travel In Groups
Cause: Having a regimented schedule (8:30,12:00,5:00)

Symptom: Pungent Odor
Cause: Over consumption of alcohol

Candid Photographer

Dear Candid Photographer,

You know who you are, you are the person lurking in dark corners waiting for that perfectly awful photo opportunity where no one and I mean no one looks good. You crouch low like a spiteful cougar with the knowledge that with this one perfect shot you will destroy your prey’s self esteem. Your unsuspecting victim doesn’t stand a chance as you upload the photo onto social networking sites and tag them in the photo for all to see your evil handiwork.

Memoirs Of A Corporate Prisoner

Dear Diary,

Today at work I was forced to the realization that it was my one year anniversary by my coworkers handing me a card congratulating me on surviving a full year of mindless servitude. I would have preferred to have been allowed to maintain my ignorance regarding the corporate job sentence that I am carrying out and haven’t even attempted to scratch tick marks into my cubicle wall I suppose the card was deemed necessary. After I pretended to read the “Congratulations, one year down and only 40 more to go!” reminder, I subject to being peer pressured into eating sugary confections that I do not enjoy. I call these fun little team building activities “conformity compliance checks ” since every member of management partakes in viewing the event to make sure that everyone is wearing their false smiles and sense of job satisfaction. After choking down an acceptable portion of the sugar laden punishment the spectators shuffled back to their cubicles and all was silent save the sound of keyboards being hammered upon. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings.