Corporate Zombies

As I pulled into my company’s parking lot this morning I was running late as usual. I frantically stuffed my keys into my purse and turned my cell phone to silent as I briskly marched towards the front entrance of the office building all the while silently cursing the fact that I was not independently wealthy. As I approached the front entrance I barely regarded all the other employees that were making their way to the door until an entertaining thought crossed my warped mind. They looked like zombies! Walking in a slow uncoordinated mass they made their way towards the front doors. I watched as they filed into the building and went to their prospective cubicles and wondered if this zombie behavior was caused by a caffeine deficiency or if there was more to it. As I settled into my ergonomic office chair I listened to the sound of fingers tapping on keyboards, printers spitting out paper and the shrill sound of the fax machine as my coworkers began their day and decided to observe their behavior closely to determine if in fact zombies were amongst us. After careful observation here are my findings:

Zombie-Like Characteristics Exhibited During My Observation
Dulled Brain Capacity
Slow/Rigid Motor Skills
Speak In Grunts Or Moans
Travel In Groups
Pungent Odor

After completing intensive research on the cause of zombie behavior and the similar behavior exhibited by my coworkers I have discovered that those exhibiting the above characteristics are not the traditional zombie, instead they are a hybrid known as Corporationus Zombius or in laymen terms Corporate Zombie. Both zombie classes share many characteristics but the motivating factors behind those shared characteristics are much different. Listed below is a comparison between characteristics and causes for both the traditional zombie and the corporate zombie.

Traditional Zombie

Symptom: Dulled Brain Capacity

Cause: Brain decomposition

Symptom: Slow/Rigid Motor Skills
Cause: Rigor Mortis

Symptom: Speak In Grunts Or Moans
Cause: Dulled Brain Capacity

Symptom: Travel In Groups

Cause: Hunting tactic used due to slow movement

Symptom: Pungent Odor

Cause: Rigor Mortis

Corporate Zombie

Symptom: Dulled Brain Capacity
Cause: Repetition of mindless tasks for a long time period

Symptom: Slow/Rigid Motor Skills

Cause: Confined to small working space/ limited movement

Symptom: Speak In Grunts Or Moans

Cause: The constant utilization of pointless acronyms

Symptom: Travel In Groups
Cause: Having a regimented schedule (8:30,12:00,5:00)

Symptom: Pungent Odor
Cause: Over consumption of alcohol

Memoirs Of A Corporate Prisoner

Dear Diary,

Today at work I was forced to the realization that it was my one year anniversary by my coworkers handing me a card congratulating me on surviving a full year of mindless servitude. I would have preferred to have been allowed to maintain my ignorance regarding the corporate job sentence that I am carrying out and haven’t even attempted to scratch tick marks into my cubicle wall I suppose the card was deemed necessary. After I pretended to read the “Congratulations, one year down and only 40 more to go!” reminder, I subject to being peer pressured into eating sugary confections that I do not enjoy. I call these fun little team building activities “conformity compliance checks ” since every member of management partakes in viewing the event to make sure that everyone is wearing their false smiles and sense of job satisfaction. After choking down an acceptable portion of the sugar laden punishment the spectators shuffled back to their cubicles and all was silent save the sound of keyboards being hammered upon. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings.