Monster Mash

This is dedicated to Scooter.

Monster Mash

We have all seen movies with various monsters in them terrorizing the world, or at the very least fake blondes wearing high heels who can’t seem to run in them to save their lives. It has been speculated that horror movies were originally created to scare teens from underage drinking and sex but I think that the actual monsters in these films portray various types of relationships.

Dracula: Have you ever dated a man that was dark and mysterious? Did you look into his eyes and feel compelled to say yes to his every request? Did he leave you feeling drained at the end of the night? If yes, you have been ensnared by the Dracula. Common traits of the Dracula male are as follows: Brooding eyes, confident swagger, night owl, strong silent type, demanding and may possibly have a sexy accent. What should you do in the event that you meet a Dracula? Tell him that you only do lunch dates at first, this will dissuade him from ensnaring you into his web of seduction.

Werewolf: Surprisingly enough the werewolf is one of the most common man-monsters roaming amongst us. They are the guys who charm women with unwavering loyalty and respect and then out of the blue they transform into a snarling monster without warning. Common traits of the Werewolf are as follows: Keen sense of smell, the urge to chase after cars, rabies shot records. So what is to be done if you suspect that this man isn’t pedigree worthy? Tell him that you would like to cook him dinner so that he can meet your eleven cats. That should send his tail between his legs.

Mummy: The mummy is the classic monster. He is needy, clingy and will often fall apart on you without warning. These guys were coddled growing up and are mommas’ boys to their dying day. They can’t efficiently survive on their own and rely on you to take care of their every need. Common traits of the Mummy are: Tiny living quarters (the less space they have the less they have to clean), repetitive moaning and groaning at every request you make, poor communication skills, musty odor and poor personal style. What is the best way to dodge this dirt bag? Tell him that you live on a house boat with a few leaks that need to be fixed and right before your eyes he will be fixing to make his escape.