Survival Of The Fittest!

So this little number was found on Best of Craigslist and it is hilariouso! I posted the link below the article so you can share this little gem with your friends.

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tpa/409930561.html

Reassessing You Career? Let Me Help!

Are you tired of your job? Do you feel over worked and under appreciated? Do you want a challenging career that requires both creativity and a complete set of rabies shots? Well perhaps you should consider a career in cat grooming. I know what you’re thinking—“But Abby, I have allergies.” or “Abby, I dislike having my flesh clawed off.” Only 3 deaths have ever been linked to the cat grooming profession but there has been a mauling or two every now and again. I have I have listed a link below for a world renowned grooming university. If you are asking yourself, “But how can I afford to attend such a prestigious educational establishment?” they do have a variety of financing options including student loans. I hope that I have opened new career doors for you all today!

http://www.classypetgroomingschool.com/

Cracking The Code

When a man says: So, what do you do?

He really means: You’re the hottest chick in the bar and I am trying to grab your attention before the guy with the Porsche does.

When a man says: Can I buy you a drink?

He really means: I want to make you feel obligated to remain in my company.

When a man says: Do you work out?

He really means: If I get too flirtatious, can you cause me bodily harm?

When a man says: Can I get your number?

He really means: I want to send you drunk text messages.

All Signs Point To No

This little pièce de résistance is all about the signs, specifically which ones to avoid. It’s one of a three piece series that will hopefully provide you a zodiac GPS.


TAURUS AND SCORPIO

These two are opposites in the zodiac, but they have more in common than other opposites. Both are determined and ambitious, and neither is much of a rover. However, there are two strong wills at work here. Taurus's passionate sexual nature meets more than its match in Scorpio-in fact, the sexual element in this affair borders on the obsessive. But Scorpio's overbearing, possessive, jealous nature makes Taurus simmer with resentment. This is a tempestuous affair, and neither has the tolerance to make the union last.

Translation: Hot Sex + Restraining Order = A Taurus and Scorpio Relationship.


GEMINI AND SAGITTARIUS

These two are opposites in the zodiac and are attracted to each other like magnets. They'll especially enjoy each other's minds for both have wide-ranging and varied interests. Sagittarius tends to be more intellectual, Gemini more social. Both are too restless and argumentative, and both need freedom. They may be disappointed sexually, since neither is demonstrative-and Gemini is very quick to criticize. This affair probably began impulsively and will end the same way.

Translation: When paired, you will be known as the “Tour De Force” couple at the cocktail party but a “Tour De Farce” in the bedroom. Save yourself the awkward “Don’t worry, it happens to everybody” speech and just keep things platonic.

CANCER AND GEMINI

Gemini's sparkle immediately intrigues Cancer, but Cancer won't find security with fickle, fly-by-night Gemini. Basically, Cancer's nature is emotional and Gemini's is cerebral, and that makes it difficult for them to understand each other. Although sexual energies are well matched, Cancer will have a hard time adjusting to Gemini's playful, nonchalant attitude toward love. Possessive Cancer will try to keep Gemini hemmed in, and Gemini can't abide that. It's a short countdown to the finish.

Translation: Cancer, no matter how many times you tell yourself that a booty call is all you want, you secretly know that it’s not true so why set yourself up for failure?


LEO AND VIRGO

Leo is drawn to Virgo's intellectualism, but Virgo doesn't understand Leo's dramatic nature. Leo can't get from cool, reserved Virgo the sexual responsiveness it demands. Virgo is practical and prudent; Leo is extravagant and a spendthrift. Leo likes to live life in a really big way, but Virgo is conservative, frugal and a nit-picker--which puts a damper on Leo's high spirits. Virgo won't be dominated either. Leo needs lots of flattery, but Virgo's tendency is to puncture inflated egos. Both of them should look elsewhere.

Translation: This pairing is the equivalence to a 50 yr old man dating a woman that’s the same age as his daughter. No matter how you spin it, it just doesn’t work out.


VIRGO AND SAGITTARIUS

These two are like the grasshopper and the ant. Sagittarius's free spirit has nothing in common with hardworking Virgo. Sagittarius has a reckless gambler's spirit, while Virgo carefully builds for future security. Both are intellectual signs but the way their minds work clashes with each other. Sagittarius is expansive and extravagant, while Virgo prefers a simple, ordered, and unpretentious life. Sagittarius considers Virgo's sexual attitudes rather prudish, and won't stay long in one bedroom anyway.

Translation: Sagittarius enjoys counting cards at the poker table for an income while Virgo prefers to counting on annuities. These two signs do not add up to love.

CRAP Syndrome

This message is brought to you by your in-house physician Dr. Abby Normal. There is a serious affliction plaguing the work places across America that requires your immediate attention! CRAP Syndrome (Continual Redundancy And Placation) has mainly been spotted in the work places where a set routine is part of the job description. Symptoms of CRAP are as follows: Headaches, nausea, reevaluation of career choices, attempted self termination with an empty toner cartridge, and finally catatonia. If left untreated, CRAP can spread into the afflicted's weekends causing them continual suffering and discomfort. Treatment for CRAP Syndrome is as follows: Vacate the premise where CRAP Syndrome harbors and meet at a watering hole where you can enjoy a cocktail and laughter with fellow co-workers who do not inflame the symptoms of CRAP Syndrome.

Regards,

Dr. Abby Normal