Lessons On Life From A Semi-Pro

Recently I have graduated to the age of 28. I find that 28 is a halfway house between being semi-clueless and having your shit together. I have learned a few life lessons over the past 28 years and wanted to share them with you.

My Life Lessons:

If it comes from a vending machine it will not fill you up, it will only provide you with excess fat and calories.

If you feel the need to ask if your ass looks big in a particular article of clothing, you already know the answer.

Your hair will never look as good as it did the day you left the salon.

There is no Easter Bunny, Big Foot or the perfect fitting pair of jeans so stop searching.

You can’t fall on your ass gracefully so just laugh it off as you dust if off.

Knowing how to theoretically change a flat tire is nice and all until you have cars whizzing past you at 60 mph.

Drunk texting happens and it’s never pretty.

Shots (alcoholic of course) are the best/worst idea to ever come into being.

Push Up bras may be viewed by men as “false advertising” but if that’s all a guy’s after then it’s all he deserves.

Fashion magazines are good for two things: Showing us clothing that we can’t afford and showing us clothing that we could never fit in.

You can never go wrong with a BOGO.

Chewing gum cannot repair a broken heel.

And finally, after many trials, errors, questions and self doubts I have come to realize that I will always think that my butt is too small, my cheeks are too big and that I have one too many freckles but I might as well enjoy what I have before it starts to wrinkle, shrink or stretch. Life is too short to constantly worry about things that you can’t afford to have altered.