5 Key Indicators That You Love Your Job

1. Management confiscates all pens, pencils and any other writing object that can possibly be used as a weapon and replaces them with crayons.
   
2. You find yourself leaning towards the closest source of natural light like a sun deprived plant.
   
3. Your morning coffee is the ONLY thing that keeps you from telling your coworkers what you really think about them.
   
4. You tap your feet to the beat of nearby keyboard rapping, copy machine thumping and the sound of the air conditioning unit as it kicks on and off.
   
5. You feel like you are trapped in the Discovery Channel show, Meerkat Manner, with your coworkers heads popping up over their cubicles like prairie dogs.

The Midwesterners' Guide To Charleston Relocation

Top 10 things every Midwesterner needs to know before moving to Charleston:

Road signs are optional, not required.

Phantom braking, leaving the turn signal on, and going 15 mph under the speed limit in the left lane is considered “Southern Hospitality”.

They utilize pleasant names for unpleasant things. Such as Palmetto Bugs and Debutant Balls.

It is socially acceptable for men to wear pastel pink, polka dot bow ties, croakies, Sperry’s (AKA Boat shoes for the non-acclimated readers) and to pop their collars.

If an accident occurs on the side of the road/bridge, it is a customary courtesy for the driver on the opposite side of the road to cease driving in order to block traffic on both sides of the road to keep the status quo.

Instead of marking liquor stores with the ambiguous words “Liquor or Party” they are clearly marked with a procession of 3 dots with the easily equated words of “Package Store”.

“Gone with the Wind” is considered a cult classic.

Their enchanting native dance is called “The Shag”.

Pearls are not just an accessory; they are a right of passage.

Most of the male populace is comprised of Seamen, Jar Heads and Knobs.

Ode To The Frozen Lunch Meal

Dear frozen delicacy how you brighten my day. You are always the economical meal ticket when my finances are in a slump. The way your contents never look as appealing as the photo on your package makes me want to scream out false advertising yet I remember that you were a 4 for $5 bargain. No matter how long I watch you spin joyously in the microwave I can always count on biting into a frozen piece of broccoli or enriched macaroni product. You offer a healthy dose of daily vitamins and nutrients, namely the 200% sodium serving that is causing my post lunch cotton mouth that I look so forward to each day. You should be recognized as the 8th wonder of the world based solely on the fact that given the proper storage you could survive for over 4,000 years and still be as tasty as you were today.

Your Faithful Consumer,

Dawn

Hangover Recipes

Hangovers have been a practiced recipe for generations and there are several different ingredients and preparation strategies that can be used. The most common hangover recipes originate from three areas: Europe, United States and Mexico.


European Hangover

3 parts red wine
4 parts white wine
2 parts beer

Combine 2 parts white wine followed by 1 part beer. It is important that neither food nor water are added to this recipe. Once the first set of ingredients are blended add 2 parts red wine immediately quickly followed with 1 part beer. Once the ingredients are fully blended make note to not disturb them with rapid movement. Complete recipe by combining the remaining 2 parts white wine and 1 part red wine.

*Recipe Time can take up to an hour to begin processing but once processing begins monitor closely to ensure undesirable outcome.

If the recipe is followed properly your Hangover should be painful to the head and cause sensitivity to sunlight.

US Hangover

4 Parts Jager Bomb
2 Parts Soco and Lime
2 Parts Red Headed Slut
1 Part Miller Lite

Combine 1 part Jager Bomb, 1 Part Soco and Lime and 2 Parts Red Headed Slut. Mix well and do not let the ingredients settle. Add 2 parts Jager Bomb and 1 Part Miller Lite. Be sure to not add last 2 ingredients too quickly in order to prevent an excess of bubbles. Add the last Jager Bomb.

*Recipe time is very rapid and may not be suitable for someone who is making their first Hangover.

If the recipe is followed properly your Hangover should be painful to the head, dizzying, dry mouth accompanied by a foul odor and inability to tolerate the sight or smell of food.


Mexican Hangover

5 Parts Tequila

Combine all ingredients

*Recipe time varies.

If the recipe is followed properly your Hangover should be vomiting and praying.

Standard Issue Three Inch Heels

What is the easiest way to spot a female tourist in downtown Charleston? Many say that confused driving, aimless wandering and heat strokes are the obvious symptoms but there is an additional sign of the female tourist that often goes unnoticed, the absence of three inch stiletto shoes. Despite the fact that female tourists visiting Charleston may wander aimlessly they do it wearing tennis shoes or sandals. How is this a tell-tale sign of a tourist? Well, simply put, walking in Charleston while wearing anything other than flat foot wear can be a dangerous situation for both the wearer and the people surrounding them without proper training. Many have witnessed an untrained woman parading around downtown in a pair of three inch stilettos when out of nowhere she face plants it on the sidewalk for no other seeming reason than lack of coordination but there is more than meets the eye. Downtown Charleston is the Bermuda Triangle equivalent when it comes to disappearing balance and grace. Despite the fact that Charleston is known as the “low country”, the streets and sidewalks are subject to change into uneven terrain without warning. Women who have mastered the art, and yes it is an art, of walking the streets of downtown Charleston are highly trained soldiers who have seen more than one agility war in their day. Often dubbed the “Charleston Shuffle” women are forced to rethink their entire walking strategy in order to survive the vast amounts of uneven pavement, cobblestones, grates and the occasional unconscious drunk. The streets of downtown Charleston are fierce battle grounds that require a practical yet aggressive strategy utilizing a highly trained sense of sight and balance. In order to not go down in a blaze of humiliation a woman living in Charleston needs to complete BOOT (Balancing Over Obstacles Training) camp. BOOT camp requires that women complete several stiletto drills in order to prepare herself for combat in all of the Red Zones. Stiletto drills often require women to walk in loose gravel, play hop-scotch and walk backwards while wearing their standard issue three inch heels. These drills heighten a woman’s ability to tackle the many land mines that Charleston’s streets and sidewalks offer. So the next time you take note of a tourist holding up traffic and wandering aimlessly let it be a reminder that anyone can roam the streets of downtown Charleston but only a Standard Issue Three Inch Heel soldier can do it with style.

I'm Not Here For Your Entertainment! Oh Wait, Yes I am...

So why did I create this blog you ask? Well if you didn't ask then humor me so that I can humor you with tales of intrigue and sarcasm. I found long ago that if you sit back and watch people in motion you see a lot of entertaining events unfold. All of my stories, snippets and observations are a combination of my own personal experiences and the blunderings of others. I enjoy finding the humor in all situations and making them into amusing anecdotes for your viewing pleasure. I hope you enjoy!