Oh E-harmony....

This is an article that E-harmony published. My interpretations are in parentheses.

What Draws Women To Bad Boys
You might not see it yet, but women often unconsciously feel that magical emotion called ATTRACTION (or inebriation) for men who have the behavior and traits of a “bad boy.” Of course, I don't believe that men have to be jerks to make women feel attraction with them (But a playful open handed slap every now and again helps). The truth is “bad boys” often create inviting and intoxicating forms of drama (But mainly intoxicating) - often perceived as playfulness and fun. And it’s often the inherent UNPREDICTABLE nature of a “bad boy” (Oooh, is he going to take me back to his trailer park tonight?) that becomes so fascinating and addicting to want to be around.
Women have a deep attraction mechanism that's triggered by men who behave indifferently (ignorantly), have high status (yet aren’t too proud to shop at Walmart), know lots of women (who have restraining orders against him), and the list of “bad” behavior goes on (i.e. been a guest on cops or Jerry Springer). You probably know from experience that the chemistry and connection with a “bad boy” can be incredibly thrilling (just like in the movie Cape Fear), even if you’re miserable when it comes to a relationship (I mean how can you expect a man to commit that live in a vehicle with wheels?).

Office Life 101

Office Life 101

Since you will be sitting in a cubicle for 8 hours a day, management will bring in sugary confections to ensure that by the end of the day you will be physically unable to get out of your chair thus improving productivity.

You will be required to have an ergonomic keyboard and chair to ensure that the pain caused by the carpal tunnel you receive from being overly efficient (due to the sugary confections that you have eaten) will be delayed until after you return home.

Just like when you were a child and important messages were relayed to you in the form of a cartoon management shall follow the same cognitive model with your training video. Please enjoy “Stan, The Working Safely Man.” video.

Management will give you an official job title and responsibilities. These responsibilities are more of a guideline and may change without notice, often multiplying.

Management advocates for a healthy work/life balance because legally they have to.

You will notice that there are very few windows and despite popular belief this is not because management prefers to make our employees feel like prisoners by depriving them of natural sunlight and stimuli. We just simply do not want to invest in Windex.

You will have three different managers at all times. They are there to provide you with tasks to complete that they either cannot figure out themselves or simply do not want to do. Yes, they make much more money than you.

You are allotted a one hour lunch break but management suggests that you enjoy your one hour lunch break at your desk. Eating + Working = Multitasking Fun

Random drug screenings will be held. Management screens for the following drugs: Hope and Common Sense

We hope that your introduction into Office Life 101 has been insightful. For our next session we will watch a video titled “Who Moved My Cheese?” followed by its sequel “Who Stole My Soul?”.

Taking Pride In Your Work

Taking Pride In Your Work

These are the things that make all of our days a little brighter:

When the Walmart cashier doesn’t let you know that you have one last bag (usually filled with the most important items) left on that stupid Merry-Go-Round.

When the drive thru attendant doesn’t take the time to make sure that you have a straw in your extra value meal.

When the dental hygienist blasts your teeth with water, causing it to ricochet off your teeth and onto your face then let’s the backwash trickle down your cheek without attempting to wipe it off.

When you watch the woman giving you a pedicure turn to a coworker say something in a foreign language and have them both look at you and laugh.

When you have been on hold for 20 minutes waiting for a customer service representative to come on the line only to have them try to transfer you and disconnect the call.

Monster Mash

This is dedicated to Scooter.

Monster Mash

We have all seen movies with various monsters in them terrorizing the world, or at the very least fake blondes wearing high heels who can’t seem to run in them to save their lives. It has been speculated that horror movies were originally created to scare teens from underage drinking and sex but I think that the actual monsters in these films portray various types of relationships.

Dracula: Have you ever dated a man that was dark and mysterious? Did you look into his eyes and feel compelled to say yes to his every request? Did he leave you feeling drained at the end of the night? If yes, you have been ensnared by the Dracula. Common traits of the Dracula male are as follows: Brooding eyes, confident swagger, night owl, strong silent type, demanding and may possibly have a sexy accent. What should you do in the event that you meet a Dracula? Tell him that you only do lunch dates at first, this will dissuade him from ensnaring you into his web of seduction.

Werewolf: Surprisingly enough the werewolf is one of the most common man-monsters roaming amongst us. They are the guys who charm women with unwavering loyalty and respect and then out of the blue they transform into a snarling monster without warning. Common traits of the Werewolf are as follows: Keen sense of smell, the urge to chase after cars, rabies shot records. So what is to be done if you suspect that this man isn’t pedigree worthy? Tell him that you would like to cook him dinner so that he can meet your eleven cats. That should send his tail between his legs.

Mummy: The mummy is the classic monster. He is needy, clingy and will often fall apart on you without warning. These guys were coddled growing up and are mommas’ boys to their dying day. They can’t efficiently survive on their own and rely on you to take care of their every need. Common traits of the Mummy are: Tiny living quarters (the less space they have the less they have to clean), repetitive moaning and groaning at every request you make, poor communication skills, musty odor and poor personal style. What is the best way to dodge this dirt bag? Tell him that you live on a house boat with a few leaks that need to be fixed and right before your eyes he will be fixing to make his escape.

The Friday Effect

Friday is always a great day. Sure, you will be doing the same tedious tasks that you were doing the four days prior to Friday but today they’re different because after they are done you don’t have to think about redoing them for two whole days!! Friday is the day when you can almost convince your coworkers that you give a shit about their mundane lives or their self induced stresses because you are able to smile at them knowing that you won’t have to recall their existence for two whole days! The redundant meeting at 8:00 am would normally drive you up the wall but on Friday you just quietly sip your coffee and plan your weekend activities. When the cafeteria charges you $6.57 for a grilled cheese sandwich that’s charred black on one side, you decide to not grumble under your breath because you know that since it’s Friday your charred bread will taste heavenly. Even when your boss walks into your cube while you are dining on charred bread to inform you that your workload has tripled, you just smile and nod because it’s Friday and you won’t have to do both your job and his job for two days.

Wish List

I wish that....


OBGYN offices had two separate waiting rooms; One for pregnant women and one for women wanting to avoid pregnancy.

Drinking fountains’ water pressure didn’t fluctuate with the flushing of toilets.

Gyms had skinny mirrors.

Dentist offices had magazines other than Highlight.

Hospital gowns came with instructions.

Chopsticks came with a handle.

Motion censored paper towel dispensers were actually triggered by motion.

80’s style clothing would disappear for good.

Fortune cookies actually dispensed fortunes and not rhetoric.

100 Calorie packs of anything be labeled “Unfulfilling Tease”.

Tale of a Ninja Cat

I am known only as Ninja Cat. My long, sleek, black fur makes no sound as I leap from my training compound (which mom keeps calling a carpeted kitty castle) onto your lap. I am able to hide in every corner and wait patiently under any bed for the perfect moment to swat at your feet as you walk by. I come from a long line of Felis Ninjacus which means I was genetically ordained to be a stealthy killing machine. In order to heighten and hone my lethal skills I must train often, never letting myself become a complacent domestic cat. This morning I set my internal alarm for 3:00 am in order to complete a training session. I silently crept over mom as she slept and while sliding off the end of the bed I contemplated which training exercise I should complete. I performed a quick perimeter check to see if there were any rogue spiders that needed to be swatted into submission but there were none to be had so I then decided to exercise my agility skills another way. I stared at the raised corner of the bed, taking note of its height and distance to where I motionlessly crouched. I flicked one long whisker out in order to gauge the wind speed so that I could tabulate the required speed and velocity of my calculated move. With a flick of my tail and a shimmy of my ass I bounded for the corner of the bed with the speed and determination of a freight train. My back legs effortlessly lifted my body airborne and as I approached the landing zone I extended my front paws out to catch the corner of the bed where I would then use my ginsu-like claws to stick to the side of the bed like Velcro. As the plush fabric of the bed fell between my paws I smiled victoriously knowing that this training session would be a success! I sunk my claws mercilessly into the fabric only to realize that I wasn’t maintaining my hold, I was slipping off the bed! In a panic I began digging my way back up the side of the bed, tearing into any fabric that was careless enough to get in my way. The sounds of my panicked thrashing and cloth shredding must have woken my mom, who snatched me from the clutches of gravity and held me up to her bewildered face. Even though adrenaline from the near twelve inch fall was still pumping through my veins I could tell that mom was even more upset as she stared wide eyed at me, then at the shredded sheets, then back to me. I didn’t want her to worry about me any longer so I quickly licked her nose, wiggled from her grasp and hopped off the bed over to my box of toys. Being that it was still dark outside and mom doesn’t have Ninja vision I found a toy that makes ample noise and swatted it about so that she would think I was unscathed by my near death incident. As I mindlessly swatted at the loud toy I stared at the shredded corner of the bed and vowed that I would train day and night until I was able to stick the landing. It’s not easy being a Ninja Cat…

Corporate Zombies

As I pulled into my company’s parking lot this morning I was running late as usual. I frantically stuffed my keys into my purse and turned my cell phone to silent as I briskly marched towards the front entrance of the office building all the while silently cursing the fact that I was not independently wealthy. As I approached the front entrance I barely regarded all the other employees that were making their way to the door until an entertaining thought crossed my warped mind. They looked like zombies! Walking in a slow uncoordinated mass they made their way towards the front doors. I watched as they filed into the building and went to their prospective cubicles and wondered if this zombie behavior was caused by a caffeine deficiency or if there was more to it. As I settled into my ergonomic office chair I listened to the sound of fingers tapping on keyboards, printers spitting out paper and the shrill sound of the fax machine as my coworkers began their day and decided to observe their behavior closely to determine if in fact zombies were amongst us. After careful observation here are my findings:

Zombie-Like Characteristics Exhibited During My Observation
Dulled Brain Capacity
Slow/Rigid Motor Skills
Speak In Grunts Or Moans
Travel In Groups
Pungent Odor

After completing intensive research on the cause of zombie behavior and the similar behavior exhibited by my coworkers I have discovered that those exhibiting the above characteristics are not the traditional zombie, instead they are a hybrid known as Corporationus Zombius or in laymen terms Corporate Zombie. Both zombie classes share many characteristics but the motivating factors behind those shared characteristics are much different. Listed below is a comparison between characteristics and causes for both the traditional zombie and the corporate zombie.

Traditional Zombie

Symptom: Dulled Brain Capacity

Cause: Brain decomposition

Symptom: Slow/Rigid Motor Skills
Cause: Rigor Mortis

Symptom: Speak In Grunts Or Moans
Cause: Dulled Brain Capacity

Symptom: Travel In Groups

Cause: Hunting tactic used due to slow movement

Symptom: Pungent Odor

Cause: Rigor Mortis

Corporate Zombie

Symptom: Dulled Brain Capacity
Cause: Repetition of mindless tasks for a long time period

Symptom: Slow/Rigid Motor Skills

Cause: Confined to small working space/ limited movement

Symptom: Speak In Grunts Or Moans

Cause: The constant utilization of pointless acronyms

Symptom: Travel In Groups
Cause: Having a regimented schedule (8:30,12:00,5:00)

Symptom: Pungent Odor
Cause: Over consumption of alcohol

Candid Photographer

Dear Candid Photographer,

You know who you are, you are the person lurking in dark corners waiting for that perfectly awful photo opportunity where no one and I mean no one looks good. You crouch low like a spiteful cougar with the knowledge that with this one perfect shot you will destroy your prey’s self esteem. Your unsuspecting victim doesn’t stand a chance as you upload the photo onto social networking sites and tag them in the photo for all to see your evil handiwork.

Memoirs Of A Corporate Prisoner

Dear Diary,

Today at work I was forced to the realization that it was my one year anniversary by my coworkers handing me a card congratulating me on surviving a full year of mindless servitude. I would have preferred to have been allowed to maintain my ignorance regarding the corporate job sentence that I am carrying out and haven’t even attempted to scratch tick marks into my cubicle wall I suppose the card was deemed necessary. After I pretended to read the “Congratulations, one year down and only 40 more to go!” reminder, I subject to being peer pressured into eating sugary confections that I do not enjoy. I call these fun little team building activities “conformity compliance checks ” since every member of management partakes in viewing the event to make sure that everyone is wearing their false smiles and sense of job satisfaction. After choking down an acceptable portion of the sugar laden punishment the spectators shuffled back to their cubicles and all was silent save the sound of keyboards being hammered upon. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings.

Lessons On Life From A Semi-Pro

Recently I have graduated to the age of 28. I find that 28 is a halfway house between being semi-clueless and having your shit together. I have learned a few life lessons over the past 28 years and wanted to share them with you.

My Life Lessons:

If it comes from a vending machine it will not fill you up, it will only provide you with excess fat and calories.

If you feel the need to ask if your ass looks big in a particular article of clothing, you already know the answer.

Your hair will never look as good as it did the day you left the salon.

There is no Easter Bunny, Big Foot or the perfect fitting pair of jeans so stop searching.

You can’t fall on your ass gracefully so just laugh it off as you dust if off.

Knowing how to theoretically change a flat tire is nice and all until you have cars whizzing past you at 60 mph.

Drunk texting happens and it’s never pretty.

Shots (alcoholic of course) are the best/worst idea to ever come into being.

Push Up bras may be viewed by men as “false advertising” but if that’s all a guy’s after then it’s all he deserves.

Fashion magazines are good for two things: Showing us clothing that we can’t afford and showing us clothing that we could never fit in.

You can never go wrong with a BOGO.

Chewing gum cannot repair a broken heel.

And finally, after many trials, errors, questions and self doubts I have come to realize that I will always think that my butt is too small, my cheeks are too big and that I have one too many freckles but I might as well enjoy what I have before it starts to wrinkle, shrink or stretch. Life is too short to constantly worry about things that you can’t afford to have altered.

The Taming Of The Hue

Being pigmently challenged is not fun. I understand that Nicole Kidman enjoys rocking out her fair skin but she is also lacking any physical flaw so I don’t think her vote counts with regards to taming of the hue. Summer is right around the corner causing two things haunt my mind, putting on a bathing suit and bumble bees (that’s a whole other story). I have found that if my skin is tan it hides some of mother nature’s cruel jokes, namely cellulite, so each spring I find myself going to the tanning salon in order to achieve a less pasty hue. Anyone who has been in a traditional tanning bed knows that there are certain areas on the body that somehow avoid the synthetic sun rays and must be evened out by utilizing a stand up tanning bed which is where my tragic tale begins.

It was a balmy Wednesday evening when I strolled into the tanning salon. I was finally bronzed enough to notice that the tips of my shoulder blades, under arms and bum required evening out with the use of a stand up bed. I told the person behind the counter what I required and he sent me on my merry way to bed number twelve. I shrugged off my clothes, put on my tanning goggles (safety first) and shuffled blindly into the large stand up bed. Once I sealed myself securely in the UV pod I hit the start button and basked in the retina burning light. The timer indicated that I was going to be cooking for a total of eight minutes which was fine since I had been laying in the traditional beds for fourteen minutes. As I gripped the bars near the top of the bed I tapped my feet and bobbed my head to the music that was playing to pass the time and soon the timer beeped and my UV pod shut off. I quickly dressed and raced home in anticipation to check out my evenly tanned back, arms and bum. As I sped home I noticed that I felt warmer than I usually do after a visit to the tanning salon but chalked it up to the fact that I did attempt to do the Cuban Shuffle in the tanning bed (side note: avoid doing the Cuban Shuffle in any type of tanning mechanism) and had expended a lot of energy. When I arrived home I flew into the bathroom stripping off clothes along the way to check out my new svelte tan. My back was slightly red but looked very even and the renowned “smiley faces” were already much less noticeable but then I noted the redness of my arms, specifically my arm pits which were radiating enough heat to pop a bag of popcorn. I gently poked at my left armpit and winced as the overcooked flesh stung in response. The redness increased as the hours passed causing me to avoid any article of clothing with a sleeve and any activity involving the movement of my arms. For two days I suffered with the pain of burned armpits and the embarrassment of walking around like a body builder to avoid any additional friction. What’s the moral of this story? Be wise when attempting the taming of the hue.

Survival Of The Fittest!

So this little number was found on Best of Craigslist and it is hilariouso! I posted the link below the article so you can share this little gem with your friends.

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tpa/409930561.html

Reassessing You Career? Let Me Help!

Are you tired of your job? Do you feel over worked and under appreciated? Do you want a challenging career that requires both creativity and a complete set of rabies shots? Well perhaps you should consider a career in cat grooming. I know what you’re thinking—“But Abby, I have allergies.” or “Abby, I dislike having my flesh clawed off.” Only 3 deaths have ever been linked to the cat grooming profession but there has been a mauling or two every now and again. I have I have listed a link below for a world renowned grooming university. If you are asking yourself, “But how can I afford to attend such a prestigious educational establishment?” they do have a variety of financing options including student loans. I hope that I have opened new career doors for you all today!

http://www.classypetgroomingschool.com/

Cracking The Code

When a man says: So, what do you do?

He really means: You’re the hottest chick in the bar and I am trying to grab your attention before the guy with the Porsche does.

When a man says: Can I buy you a drink?

He really means: I want to make you feel obligated to remain in my company.

When a man says: Do you work out?

He really means: If I get too flirtatious, can you cause me bodily harm?

When a man says: Can I get your number?

He really means: I want to send you drunk text messages.

All Signs Point To No

This little pièce de résistance is all about the signs, specifically which ones to avoid. It’s one of a three piece series that will hopefully provide you a zodiac GPS.


TAURUS AND SCORPIO

These two are opposites in the zodiac, but they have more in common than other opposites. Both are determined and ambitious, and neither is much of a rover. However, there are two strong wills at work here. Taurus's passionate sexual nature meets more than its match in Scorpio-in fact, the sexual element in this affair borders on the obsessive. But Scorpio's overbearing, possessive, jealous nature makes Taurus simmer with resentment. This is a tempestuous affair, and neither has the tolerance to make the union last.

Translation: Hot Sex + Restraining Order = A Taurus and Scorpio Relationship.


GEMINI AND SAGITTARIUS

These two are opposites in the zodiac and are attracted to each other like magnets. They'll especially enjoy each other's minds for both have wide-ranging and varied interests. Sagittarius tends to be more intellectual, Gemini more social. Both are too restless and argumentative, and both need freedom. They may be disappointed sexually, since neither is demonstrative-and Gemini is very quick to criticize. This affair probably began impulsively and will end the same way.

Translation: When paired, you will be known as the “Tour De Force” couple at the cocktail party but a “Tour De Farce” in the bedroom. Save yourself the awkward “Don’t worry, it happens to everybody” speech and just keep things platonic.

CANCER AND GEMINI

Gemini's sparkle immediately intrigues Cancer, but Cancer won't find security with fickle, fly-by-night Gemini. Basically, Cancer's nature is emotional and Gemini's is cerebral, and that makes it difficult for them to understand each other. Although sexual energies are well matched, Cancer will have a hard time adjusting to Gemini's playful, nonchalant attitude toward love. Possessive Cancer will try to keep Gemini hemmed in, and Gemini can't abide that. It's a short countdown to the finish.

Translation: Cancer, no matter how many times you tell yourself that a booty call is all you want, you secretly know that it’s not true so why set yourself up for failure?


LEO AND VIRGO

Leo is drawn to Virgo's intellectualism, but Virgo doesn't understand Leo's dramatic nature. Leo can't get from cool, reserved Virgo the sexual responsiveness it demands. Virgo is practical and prudent; Leo is extravagant and a spendthrift. Leo likes to live life in a really big way, but Virgo is conservative, frugal and a nit-picker--which puts a damper on Leo's high spirits. Virgo won't be dominated either. Leo needs lots of flattery, but Virgo's tendency is to puncture inflated egos. Both of them should look elsewhere.

Translation: This pairing is the equivalence to a 50 yr old man dating a woman that’s the same age as his daughter. No matter how you spin it, it just doesn’t work out.


VIRGO AND SAGITTARIUS

These two are like the grasshopper and the ant. Sagittarius's free spirit has nothing in common with hardworking Virgo. Sagittarius has a reckless gambler's spirit, while Virgo carefully builds for future security. Both are intellectual signs but the way their minds work clashes with each other. Sagittarius is expansive and extravagant, while Virgo prefers a simple, ordered, and unpretentious life. Sagittarius considers Virgo's sexual attitudes rather prudish, and won't stay long in one bedroom anyway.

Translation: Sagittarius enjoys counting cards at the poker table for an income while Virgo prefers to counting on annuities. These two signs do not add up to love.

CRAP Syndrome

This message is brought to you by your in-house physician Dr. Abby Normal. There is a serious affliction plaguing the work places across America that requires your immediate attention! CRAP Syndrome (Continual Redundancy And Placation) has mainly been spotted in the work places where a set routine is part of the job description. Symptoms of CRAP are as follows: Headaches, nausea, reevaluation of career choices, attempted self termination with an empty toner cartridge, and finally catatonia. If left untreated, CRAP can spread into the afflicted's weekends causing them continual suffering and discomfort. Treatment for CRAP Syndrome is as follows: Vacate the premise where CRAP Syndrome harbors and meet at a watering hole where you can enjoy a cocktail and laughter with fellow co-workers who do not inflame the symptoms of CRAP Syndrome.

Regards,

Dr. Abby Normal

5 Key Indicators That You Love Your Job

1. Management confiscates all pens, pencils and any other writing object that can possibly be used as a weapon and replaces them with crayons.
   
2. You find yourself leaning towards the closest source of natural light like a sun deprived plant.
   
3. Your morning coffee is the ONLY thing that keeps you from telling your coworkers what you really think about them.
   
4. You tap your feet to the beat of nearby keyboard rapping, copy machine thumping and the sound of the air conditioning unit as it kicks on and off.
   
5. You feel like you are trapped in the Discovery Channel show, Meerkat Manner, with your coworkers heads popping up over their cubicles like prairie dogs.

The Midwesterners' Guide To Charleston Relocation

Top 10 things every Midwesterner needs to know before moving to Charleston:

Road signs are optional, not required.

Phantom braking, leaving the turn signal on, and going 15 mph under the speed limit in the left lane is considered “Southern Hospitality”.

They utilize pleasant names for unpleasant things. Such as Palmetto Bugs and Debutant Balls.

It is socially acceptable for men to wear pastel pink, polka dot bow ties, croakies, Sperry’s (AKA Boat shoes for the non-acclimated readers) and to pop their collars.

If an accident occurs on the side of the road/bridge, it is a customary courtesy for the driver on the opposite side of the road to cease driving in order to block traffic on both sides of the road to keep the status quo.

Instead of marking liquor stores with the ambiguous words “Liquor or Party” they are clearly marked with a procession of 3 dots with the easily equated words of “Package Store”.

“Gone with the Wind” is considered a cult classic.

Their enchanting native dance is called “The Shag”.

Pearls are not just an accessory; they are a right of passage.

Most of the male populace is comprised of Seamen, Jar Heads and Knobs.

Ode To The Frozen Lunch Meal

Dear frozen delicacy how you brighten my day. You are always the economical meal ticket when my finances are in a slump. The way your contents never look as appealing as the photo on your package makes me want to scream out false advertising yet I remember that you were a 4 for $5 bargain. No matter how long I watch you spin joyously in the microwave I can always count on biting into a frozen piece of broccoli or enriched macaroni product. You offer a healthy dose of daily vitamins and nutrients, namely the 200% sodium serving that is causing my post lunch cotton mouth that I look so forward to each day. You should be recognized as the 8th wonder of the world based solely on the fact that given the proper storage you could survive for over 4,000 years and still be as tasty as you were today.

Your Faithful Consumer,

Dawn

Hangover Recipes

Hangovers have been a practiced recipe for generations and there are several different ingredients and preparation strategies that can be used. The most common hangover recipes originate from three areas: Europe, United States and Mexico.


European Hangover

3 parts red wine
4 parts white wine
2 parts beer

Combine 2 parts white wine followed by 1 part beer. It is important that neither food nor water are added to this recipe. Once the first set of ingredients are blended add 2 parts red wine immediately quickly followed with 1 part beer. Once the ingredients are fully blended make note to not disturb them with rapid movement. Complete recipe by combining the remaining 2 parts white wine and 1 part red wine.

*Recipe Time can take up to an hour to begin processing but once processing begins monitor closely to ensure undesirable outcome.

If the recipe is followed properly your Hangover should be painful to the head and cause sensitivity to sunlight.

US Hangover

4 Parts Jager Bomb
2 Parts Soco and Lime
2 Parts Red Headed Slut
1 Part Miller Lite

Combine 1 part Jager Bomb, 1 Part Soco and Lime and 2 Parts Red Headed Slut. Mix well and do not let the ingredients settle. Add 2 parts Jager Bomb and 1 Part Miller Lite. Be sure to not add last 2 ingredients too quickly in order to prevent an excess of bubbles. Add the last Jager Bomb.

*Recipe time is very rapid and may not be suitable for someone who is making their first Hangover.

If the recipe is followed properly your Hangover should be painful to the head, dizzying, dry mouth accompanied by a foul odor and inability to tolerate the sight or smell of food.


Mexican Hangover

5 Parts Tequila

Combine all ingredients

*Recipe time varies.

If the recipe is followed properly your Hangover should be vomiting and praying.

Standard Issue Three Inch Heels

What is the easiest way to spot a female tourist in downtown Charleston? Many say that confused driving, aimless wandering and heat strokes are the obvious symptoms but there is an additional sign of the female tourist that often goes unnoticed, the absence of three inch stiletto shoes. Despite the fact that female tourists visiting Charleston may wander aimlessly they do it wearing tennis shoes or sandals. How is this a tell-tale sign of a tourist? Well, simply put, walking in Charleston while wearing anything other than flat foot wear can be a dangerous situation for both the wearer and the people surrounding them without proper training. Many have witnessed an untrained woman parading around downtown in a pair of three inch stilettos when out of nowhere she face plants it on the sidewalk for no other seeming reason than lack of coordination but there is more than meets the eye. Downtown Charleston is the Bermuda Triangle equivalent when it comes to disappearing balance and grace. Despite the fact that Charleston is known as the “low country”, the streets and sidewalks are subject to change into uneven terrain without warning. Women who have mastered the art, and yes it is an art, of walking the streets of downtown Charleston are highly trained soldiers who have seen more than one agility war in their day. Often dubbed the “Charleston Shuffle” women are forced to rethink their entire walking strategy in order to survive the vast amounts of uneven pavement, cobblestones, grates and the occasional unconscious drunk. The streets of downtown Charleston are fierce battle grounds that require a practical yet aggressive strategy utilizing a highly trained sense of sight and balance. In order to not go down in a blaze of humiliation a woman living in Charleston needs to complete BOOT (Balancing Over Obstacles Training) camp. BOOT camp requires that women complete several stiletto drills in order to prepare herself for combat in all of the Red Zones. Stiletto drills often require women to walk in loose gravel, play hop-scotch and walk backwards while wearing their standard issue three inch heels. These drills heighten a woman’s ability to tackle the many land mines that Charleston’s streets and sidewalks offer. So the next time you take note of a tourist holding up traffic and wandering aimlessly let it be a reminder that anyone can roam the streets of downtown Charleston but only a Standard Issue Three Inch Heel soldier can do it with style.

I'm Not Here For Your Entertainment! Oh Wait, Yes I am...

So why did I create this blog you ask? Well if you didn't ask then humor me so that I can humor you with tales of intrigue and sarcasm. I found long ago that if you sit back and watch people in motion you see a lot of entertaining events unfold. All of my stories, snippets and observations are a combination of my own personal experiences and the blunderings of others. I enjoy finding the humor in all situations and making them into amusing anecdotes for your viewing pleasure. I hope you enjoy!